The Sensual Differential

Ever notice how intimate relationships are marked by highs and lows, like tidal action? As an amateur student* of the dynamics between men and women, I find this more than a little interesting and amusing. Have you ever watched one of those couples where the wife complains that the husband isn't interested enough in sex? The cliché is a man that is more interested in sex than his woman. But it occasionally happens the other way around. I call this the sexual or sensual differential. Just off the top of my head, there are at least three main factors to it. Frequency, timing and content are the ones that get the most attention.

*I was tempted to use "layman"


Frequency. Each person is tuned to a sensual frequency. It is the appetite for sex. It must be noted a person's sensual tuning is dynamic and changes with health, stress, age and other factors. When in a monogamous relationship, to put it delicately, the more sensually disposed, is in a state of negotiation or competition with the less amorous partner. One is tuned to a higher "frequency", the other to a "lower". Since the relationship is monogamous both partners are operating on the same "frequency" even though independently they are individually tuned to a different frequency. The sensual differential factor is the range between the high and low frequncies. The frequency is a compromise.


Timing. Even if both partners had the same frequency, it is possible for the timing to be out of phase, This produces the same or worse effect as a simple frequency differential. Both feel like they are the more romantic/sensual and don't understand why. Certainly couples working different shifts to make ends meet deal with this. In a case where a couple was 180 degrees out of phase, the "mood" would rarely coincide. In practice, only one actual historical reality is possible. The actual occurances of intimate contact are a reality that cannot be in phase with both partners. Timing is a compromise.


Content. Certainly people prefer different rituals and content, she wants him to take her dancing, he wants her to wear something from Victoria's Secret© and so on. Many aspects of sexual expectations are highly treasured fantasies. The fantasies and preferences may not be at all similar between the partners. The result is that subconciously or even consciously, each partner may actually be trying to train the other into a set of preferred behaviors to get toward the desired sexual content. Because of that, intimacy may become a ritual that is a mish-mash of preparation, seduction, consumation and -forgive me for for this, mop-up. All through the experience, there is negotiation and compromise, accomodation and denial. Sometimes content may be perfect for one and not for the other... or not.

In all three cases, the differential factor is a state of imbalance and imbalance seeks equity or "entropy". In electricity, it is called voltage, tension or potential. For water, it's called pressure. In circular motion, it's called torque. The differential factor is not about getting your way. Continuously "getting your way" perpetuates the state of energy or imbalance, and will continuously leave someone dissatisfied. The trick to managing electricity, water pressure or torque is to be able to channel it to your purposes. You only get exactly the sex you want when you want it if someone delivers it. In order to make "balance" happen, sometimes you need to be the one that delivers. The perfect relationship has no victim. And you can quote me on that.