Bad(?) Boys and Good(?) Women

A fascinating subject. Tomes have been written about the men women choose.
On New Years Day, casual discussion at a friends house worked itself around to a point where the ladies began the old “where have all the good men gone” song. I asked them to elaborate and they were happy to share the stories, preciously lamenting the most recent cases of abuse at the hands of self-serving men. Immensely entertained, I requested and got permission to ask some personal questions. It went something like this:

Me: Do you know any guys that you think of as “Nice guys”?
She: Yes
Me: Do you go out with them?
She: I have, but they’re not interesting.
Me: What did you like about the guys that treated you bad?
She: They were confident.
Me: What else?
She: Spontaneous and unpredictable.
Me: Is that all?
She: Good looking!
Me: Do the nice guys treat you well?
She: Yes
Me: Do they make it clear that they are interested?
She: Yes. Sometimes too much
Me: What does that mean?
She: They act nervous and uncertain. They seem to be trying too hard.
Me: Trying too hard to what?
She: I feel like they are desperate to get laid.
Me: Do they tell you that?
She: No, they wouldn't be so rude.
Me: How many dates do you have with a nervous nice guy before ending it?
She: Maybe one or two.
Me: How many times can a Mr. Spontaneous hurt you before you end it?
She: Two or Three
Me: Do you realize that Mr. Spontaneous is dangerous?
She: What do you mean?
You think Mr. Spontaneous is good looking – so does every other woman he’s ever met. He knows it. He is not uncertain, he is confident because he knows his next sexual escapade is right around the corner. Maybe someday he will meet his match – the woman who can tame him, but he’s not worried about it. Maybe you are her – but he doubts it. He doesn’t need you because you are not Ms. Right. You are just Ms Right Now. You have to take him on his terms. He is a consumer…a predator…and dangerous.

On the other hand you have Mr Nice Guy.

He doesn’t have the cleft chin and dark curly locks. Women don’t give him a second look. He knows it. He is looking for the best deal he can get. He may be looking for Ms Right or Ms Right now, but he knows his choices aren’t as broad as Mr. Dangerous. He doesn’t have the instant appeal. He’s painfully aware of it, so he tries to offer you something else. He tries hard to impress you with luxurious dates, good manners, romance and stability. The stuff he sees works in the movies. He has to take you on your terms. He is the provider… the meal... and safe.

She still didn’t get it.

Me: You treat Mr. Boring exactly the same way Mr. Dangerous treats you. You find someone exciting and appealing. They seem so confident, carefree and independent. Then you are disappointed when they move on because they didn’t need you. How do you think Mr. Boring feels about you after buying you two expensive dinners?

She: How do you know all this?

Me: I may look and act like Mr. Boring now ( I'm supposed to do that, I'm married), but I did a long stint as Mr. Dangerous. I'm telling you from experience that Mr Dangerous doesn’t know how you feel. What’s more, he doesn’t care how you feel. He only cares how you feel on him.

Me: You reject the one that's willing to sacrifice for you in favor of the one that's willing to sacrifice you. You reject the one that treats you well in favor of the one that treats you poorly. And then you complain about the shortage of good men - while a good man complains about the shortage of good women.

The discussion went on for a while - but that's the meat of it.

That's all the help I have for you today. You kids go work it out.