Horoscope for Losers

Sagittarius - Today you'll continue the same feeble efforts that made you a failure so far. Go sit down on the sofa and get comfortable. No reason to take chances.

Scorpio - That stinger isn't a knife for stabbing people in the back. Now would be a good time to see if you can get ahead by hard work. Being sneaky is not a virtue.

Capricorn - You are the only one that is impressed by your efforts. People follow you, but mostly out of curiousity. A little attention to detail is in order as long as it's not self-absorbed.

Aquarius - Dodge responsibility like your life depends on it. Blame your parents for the way you are. Avoid using your real name.

Pisces - Slippery like a fish. Sell that stock before that insider information goes public. There's a vacant aquarium right next to Martha Stewart

Aries - That computer solitaire score really stands you out from the crowd. Don't worry about the fact that your co-workers carry you, their worst work is better than your best.

Taurus - Failing to reach your goals may damage your self-esteem. Don't take chances. Don't set them. Be satisfied with mediocrity.

Gemini - You don't have a twin - you're bipolar. Pick one personality and stick with it. Give the medication time.

Cancer - Today is a good day to be like cancer. Suck the life force out of the productive parts of the whole. Consume everything in your path without remorse. Perhaps a little pollution is in order too.

Leo - Every one loves the Cowardly Lion. Courage is for the brave and might make you unpopular. The French and Germans are waiting for you.

Virgo - Virtuous behavior is a crutch of the Bible thumpers. Don't worry about the health risks. Jump out there and get infected with something permanent.

Libra - Align yourself with the moderates. Balance everything. If you take a firm position you'll be square in the spotlight if something happens. How did that Undecided Voter thing work out last November?